Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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