he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
