I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
