the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
