He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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