Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize