Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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