Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize