so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
