Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
