Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
