living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
