I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize