Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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