The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
There are leaves in my underwear?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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