I met the friendliest cop last night
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
