Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
