You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
