yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
