what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
