Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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