true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
