You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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