LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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