Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
