i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
