While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
