At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
