Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
