Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
