I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
