I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am spending my child support on dildos
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize