just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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