Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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