Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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