I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
