I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
