my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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