thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
