i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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