You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize