he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
