One girl and one boy is just not enough.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
