i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
