i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
