Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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