I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
