Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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