she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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