You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
