Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
