I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
