i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
