So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The adults are the big ones right?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
