Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
