Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
