I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
