our cab driver is having phone sex.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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