I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize