i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
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