I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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