Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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