Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
